For the past few weeks I’ve been working with someone who wasn’t the person I thought they would be. In fact, behind the scenes they are totally contradictory to their public persona. For me this has been a real struggle. Firstly because one of my biggest values is authenticity but secondly because I can’t stand conflict and confrontation. Here’s why…
It totally stresses me out. I get this massive lump in my chest that won’t go away. I get headaches. I hold all the stress in my jaw, which starts to lock up. I stop eating, as my normally healthy appetite just totally disappears (today I’ve struggled to get one toasted sandwich down) but worst of all it consumes me. Because if someone isn’t treating me nicely or I disagree with what they are doing, I can’t sit by and just take it. BUT… it also takes so much courage to confront that person and tell them how I feel.
So there I am… stuck, in no-mans land. Not enjoying my relationship with that person but too scared to do anything about it. I sit in the energy of that person for way too long. I spend hours in my conscious and my sub-conscious planning out what I will say to them. What’s the best way to word my feelings, my point of view, my side of the story. I go to sleep thinking about my confrontation strategy and I wake up to the same thoughts.
Eventually I get to the point where physically and emotionally I can’t take it any more. This is the point where my fear just has to take a back seat and I have to put on my “big girl pants” and stand up for who I am, what I believe in and the values I live by.
Shit it’s hard!!!!!
In my thoughts I call that person and say what I need to say, articulately and beautifully, but I’ve never been great at that. I’m the person who, in an argument, just agrees with the other person and then beats myself up afterwards with “I could have said this… “, “I should have come back with this…”.
So I chicken out at the last moment and send an email. At least that way I know I can construct my thoughts in an even manner. I can say what I need to say without sounding accusatory or condescending. I read over it again and again, 100’s of time. I send it to someone else to proof read, to make sure I’m not being a total bitch. And then finally with my heart in my throat and feeling totally sick… I hit “send”.
But it doesn’t end there….
Then you have the stress of waiting for a response. What will they say? How will they react? But at this stage of the process it’s out of my hands. I know I’ve done all I can to be true to myself and who I am. I’ve stood up for my values and what I believe in and whatever the outcome, I’m fine with that.
This is where I am currently sitting this afternoon. Stayed tuned to see what happens…